The truth is...

Dear God,

All right. So. From the beginning.

I’m a compulsive liar, lying is bad, i need to stop… but I don’t have the dedication to. I don’t ave the dedication really to do anything, anything at all, or at least not well. I just kind of want this year to be over, not that it’s going to change anything about my personality.

I need to grow up. And it’s going to be hard, and it’s going to suck, and I’m sitting here stalling, because I want to be fun and reckless and irresponsible and confident. Not the quiet confident, the quiet comfort in myself, but being loudly, gloriously, passionately alive.

 I want to be the person people open up to.. like Aili did, like Lana did, etc. I want people to tell me things they don’t even tell their best friends. i want to be trustworthy, and the only real way to work my way into people’s hearts is by being fun, by being interesting, confident, wise, sincere. And the only way I can get there is to grow up.

I can’t be a leader by setting a bad example and I can’t be rude and opinionated, i have to keep my thoguhts to myself while still being confident…

Allyson I lift to you. She deserves more than her panic attacks, a boyfriend she is stuck with, and her view of herself. She’s a beautiful child of you, God, and I know that your plan will be done in her life with the strength that you have given her to succeed through it.

Paige I lift to you. Despite everything, she’s still here… despite everything, I still want her there. I love her, God, pure and simple. I hope you can use everything, use me, to lead her back to you because I know that she can do many great and wonderful things for you. I hope she can lead a beautiful life for you, without fear… and that the tumor does not work against your relationship with her.

I hope Alana makes the decision taht benfits her. I pray that if he is not the one, then this whole vicious cycle ends, ends for real, before anything more or worse and dangerous happens. If he is the one, then  yeah, let it all work out in your plan and image and belief. But if not, then, God, it needs to stop. This cycle in her ife needs to be broken before things get worse.. I can’t image the pain that it would cause if it wasn’t your plan.

Protect Kelsey. Protect Libby. Protect Aili. Bless Kyle and Sarah.

Remove all bitterness from my heart about Ajinkya and Sam and my lies. That’s yours, God, so I may be forgiven. I release eveything to you. All of this. All of myself. I’m yours. Please take it, God, please wipe me clean, please forgive me for my sins and change me into the kind of person people come to… please break and remake me for all that I am, so I can grow up.

Father God, its sad when I sit here at the end of the day and don’t have people that I can pray for… I need more people to open up to me, about the real stuff, the deep stuff. I want to pray to hear you, to speak in tongues, but that’s self-edifying and I know I’ve been a bitch lately and don’t need to be that selfish, to want yo for myself.. So I guess I pray for an opportunity to talk aout you this week, the strenght to do so. I pray for your love, to give to others, instead of being so closed off, “stone faced” and self righteous. I pray to see what You need from others… so I guess I’m still asking for the holy spirit, but idk.Not for myself. Not anymore. So I can notice others, their problems, and provide a comfortable enough atmosphere for them to open up to me about it. I’ll fast secular music and texting for two weeks to draw closer to you to recieve this gift..

God bless Sarah’s cousin, and Jenna’s existance.

Because really, the compulsive lying comes from selfishness, a desperate need for attention and self edification and it. needs. to. stop. And it’ll only stop if I focus on other people. Which isn’t the reason why I’m focusing on them, but still. observation to make.

Thank you god, for today, all the people in my life, all these answers to my prayers, for new york, and for everything.for your son dying on the cross for me.

Ahh, Dusty… it’s not meant to be. So it’s never going to be brought up again, right? Right. Okay. Awesome. I’ll probably never even see him again. That’s chill. It’s okay. I don’t need guys, I don’t need relationships.. it’s just… not really in the cards for me.